I would like the following message to be read or posted on the news in the unlikely chance my

d**th is ever discussed in the media. It is not meant to glorify s**c*d*. In fact, I think it may

actually do the exact opposite:

My birth name is Sritarun Chinta, throughout grade school I went by the nickname “Guddu”, and at

Brown University I went by “SG”, but you could call me “id**t” for all I care. I was a student

studying Biophysics and Chemical Engineering at Brown University and if you are reading this, it

means I have k*ll*d myself. I would like to emphasize that absolutely no one other than myself is

to blame for my s**c*d*. I was just a defective human being. Especially when you consider how

well off I was raised. I apologize for directly lying to pretty much everyone I interacted with for the

past 7 months. Technically, for most of my life I’ve always been the type to be brutally honest about

things but when it came to my own personality and emotions I put up a mask that only eroded on

rare occasions, so you could say I’ve been half lying for a lot longer.

First, to my parents: I’m sorry you ended up wasting almost 21 years supporting the worst son

imaginable. It must suck to raise a son who has the competence to make it as a doctor with relative

ease but is adamant about not pursuing the field of medicine for many reasons, and then have the

other son interested in becoming a doctor but lack competence, though I’m sure he will come

around in due time. Plus, he tends to be very lucky for some odd reason (but make sure to get a job

you bum). I bet I look like the world’s biggest hypocrite considering I was all talk after I graduated

high school. I never did repay my debt to you and gain the $20 million USD I promised. After

giving $1.5k USD to my former lab from my bank account, feel free to use the rest of the money for

your own purchases. It’s obviously nothing major compared to your annual salaries but you could

get a massage chair or use it for buying yogurt at Costco, whatever you want. I leave all of the

belongings in my dorm room to you, including an SSD containing some old files, photos, as well as

documents of some of the literature I have read through over the past three years. I request that you

hold on to the SSD and in the incredibly small chance someone asks for copies of any files, you

allow them to do so if they behave in a respectful manner. If Brown decides to charge you for some

reason to be able to retrieve my stuff (you never know. Ivies are just elitist companies disguised as

educational institutions after all), use the money from my account. I want to emphasize again to you

that you did nothing wrong. You were more than satisfactory at your jobs as parents.

Second, to my former lab PI and lab group: I’m sorry if my d**th ends up causing you trouble and I

am very much aware of how selfish it is of me to put you in this position. I apologize for the

complete lack of communication over the past several months as well as never finishing any paper

drafts. I think I was just feeling way too ashamed to try and talk to you all while juggling my

personal project. I imagine for the Professor it will probably be disturbing to hear and I hope it does

not affect how you spend your time abroad. Normally, in cases where college students who were

conducting research commit s**c*d*, some level of blame is put on the research group. There are

definitely cases where research lab culture has led to individuals committing s**c*d*, however, I

would like to make it very clear that part of the reason I didn’t end up k*ll*ng myself sooner was

actually because of being part of the lab group. In fact, I felt pretty guilty upon joining knowing

there was a chance this scenario had a probability of playing out eventually. While I never was able

to achieve anything, it was an honor working alongside you and it’s a shame that Brown barely

gives any funding to the lab. Maybe if Brown invested more money into the lab as well as its

nanofabrication and characterization facilities in general, I might have actually made and tested six

different nanoelectronic devices by now instead of failing to even fabricate anything. Of course, I

recognize that my limited experience in hands-on lab work also played a role in me failing at my

research but I do believe with better facilities available some of my ideas may have come to light. I

really hope that Brown doesn’t take it out on the lab for having a former member who is essentially

a PR disaster for Ivy league colleges. I’ll be pretty p*ss*d if Brown decides to slash the lab’s

funding even further as some sort of messed up punishment. If any of the lab members or the

Professor ends up stumbling across this message, I have several requests for how to handle a few

things I left behind, assuming you haven’t already done so of course. For the stuff in my drawers,

all of the sample thin films/devices in my lab drawers can be thrown away since all of them are

failed anyway, and the petri dishes they are contained in can be reused (the filter paper should be

clean in most of them). Feel free to use the cut Bombyx mori silkworm cocoons contained in the

ziploc bag for any purpose you desire. You should be able to go through a degumming process to

separate sericin from fibroin and use the isolated proteins for future experiments if you wanted to.

The remaining sheet of ITO on PET can be used for any optical experiments or future devices as

you see fit. You can also make use of the spare pair of goggles. For my stuff in the conference

room, I left my Surface Science and Colloids textbook behind which you are free to use, as well as

some papers categorizing the stock of chemicals. I began organizing all the chemicals we had in the

lab during a long weekend holiday and planned on making an online spreadsheet of my written

record so we can keep track of which chemicals we have in a more efficient manner. I never got

around to organizing the metal salts or the chemicals in the yellow flammables cabinet so if any of

the lab members want to finish this, feel free to do so, however, I ask that you keep the same

organization as I did for consistency. I think I might have left a yellow packet with some TTLs, a

breadboard, and some other parts from my Digital Circuits class. If it turns out there are parts

missing from the packet, then I can pay the fee since I’m pretty sure each part is around 50 cents.

For the Hummer sputter system, the instructions I left a while ago should be clear enough for use,

though you may have to do an oil change before using again. I also want to mention that last time I

was sputtering silver, I think the resulting silver deposited didn’t appear to coalesce into a uniform

thin film which could indicate even longer sputter times are required. However, since there is no

cooling system, when performing sputter deposition for a long time you should be careful of

possible damage to the substrate and/or the silver sputter target. Honestly, considering how crappy

the sputter is I wouldn’t be surprised if you never use it, which I kinda feel bad about considering

how expensive the silver sputter target I bought was. Feel free to use any chemicals/polymers I

bought, including the 4-(diethylamino)azobenzene, stearyl alcohol (1-octadecanol), and PMMA. I

think that covers everything but if you find any other things that once belonged to me feel free to

use them as you see fit. Considering the lab was kind enough to allow me to purchase my own

materials for experiments as I saw fit, despite only being an undergrad, and the fact that I was

always treated with the same level of respect as a grad student, please accept 1.5k from my bank

account to make up for the supplies I bought and for wasting your time.

Third to my surface science professor last semester, professors this semester, and lab mates in two

of my classes: I apologize to my surface science professor for never submitting the final proposal

on the sericin based drug delivery system, my former lab PI again for not submitting several

assignments the previous semester, my current professors who have to enter in zeros for the

gradebook, and to the lab mates in two of my classes this semester who I flaked out on. I’m sure it

must have been pretty annoying for you all and may have caused some inconveniences.

I think that wraps up apologies. Of course, I also have a list of people in my head who I owe a debt

to but considering I wasn’t able to pay back my parents, there’s really no point in going through it

now. I should probably mention the main reason why I decided to ultimately off myself. When I

was around 8 years old, I started to develop critical thinking skills and realized that there are two

main things that drive everyone: trying to win prizes and trying to make a lot of friends who have

your back. At least that is how I would have worded it back then. Then in the eighth grade I began

to reword it as a sense of accomplishment and a sense of belonging. It was during this time that I

realized I was not cut out for achieving either and first planned on committing s**c*d* but was

inadvertently saved by a simple birthday card that guilt tripped me into living for other people’s

sakes and thinking that I could still strive for a sense of belonging. This mindset didn’t last. I heard

that trying to create a network of friends who will be able to have your back when it counts is the

best thing to do in these situations i.e. building a support group, but I massively failed several times

due to the fact that I’m a total a-hole. After the spring of 2020, when COVID-19 spread in the US

and when I got rejected by Harvard (Which was honestly for the better. Besides, I was still a junior

at the time and the main reason why I wanted to be accepted into Harvard a year early was because

of how much I hated high school and to be able to throw a graduation party so I could have an

excuse good enough for my parents to hang out with my friends), I completely gave up on gaining a

sense of belonging after deciding not to go through with a second s**c*d* plan and decided to

focus my efforts on gaining a sense of accomplishment. At this point, I now rephrase my personal

creed in the following manner. Many have debated the meaning of life for as long as human

civilization has existed, however, I believe life is inherently meaningless (nihilism) and the fact of

whether life has meaning or not doesn’t really matter, so debating further is pointless. What matters

is there are two fundamental motivations that drive us to continue living once we gain the ability to

form complex thoughts (usually around the age range of 7-9, though this can definitely vary):

1. To gain a sense of accomplishment. This can be in the form of materialistic gains, achieving

some kind of grand dream, goal, or vision, meeting milestones, etc.

2. To gain a sense of social satisfaction. This can be in the form of friendship, love (familial and/or

romantic), being part of a “community”, a sense of knowing where you fit in society, etc.

I believe there are three types of people within the human population based on their approach and

views regarding these two motivations. The first and most common type are those who believe 1

and 2 are synonymous i.e. gaining a sense of social satisfaction is the same as accomplishment.

This type of person makes up probably around 90% of the general population and I will refer to

them as Normas. Obviously none of the statistics mentioned in this document are based on any facts

and just personal vibes. It makes sense that Normas would make up the majority though, since

humans are animals that are highly dependent on social interaction. Anyway, about ⅘ of Normas, or

around 72% of the population, is what I would consider “normies” i.e. Normas who manage to

conform their behavior or set of perspectives to what is considered the general consensus or “the

norm” that is unanimously agreed upon by those immediately surrounding them or to standards set

by the general population. Normies are incredibly easy to identify by non-normie Normas and the

other two types of people, but have a difficult time identifying each other. Being called a normie

under certain context can be considered derogatory, and it’s pretty typical of a normie to deny being

a normie if ever confronted about the subject, but being a normie is perfectly fine given they make

up the majority anyway. The second type of people are those who manage to achieve 1 and either

never achieve 2, or achieve 2 later in life, who I will call Effectors, and they make up around 8% of

the population. Their name comes from the fact that Effectors tend to bring change to their

surroundings, though this is not a guarantee. A lot of famous people and historical figures tend to be

Effectors but the other way around is not true. Of course, there are Normas who are also able to

change the world or become famous, though this is usually (but not always) not a result of their

intentions. Effectors who are not able to achieve 2 tend to spiral out of control, cause a lot of drama,

and also may contribute to world problems. There are also people who achieve 2 first and achieve 1

later while being able to distinguish between the two motivations, however, these people tend to

eventually believe 1 and 2 are the same given enough time so they can be considered proto-Normas.

I used to consider proto-Normas as a fourth type of person but now I keep them under the same

category as Normas.

The third and final type of people, who make up only around 2% of the general population, are the

Hollows i.e. people who are unable to achieve 1 or 2. I am Hollow. The reason why they make up

so little of the population is because Hollows tend (not guaranteed) to be those who have extreme

substance abuse problems and/or may have severe mental health issues, which usually leads to

s**c*d*. That is NOT to say that people struggling with mental health issues are Hollows. In fact,

the overwhelming majority of people who struggle with mental health are usually Normas or

Effectors who temporarily lose sight of both 1 and 2, but they are usually able to bounce back or

find a way to cope with their issues and retain at least 1 or 2 long term again. I will refer to these

people as Temp-Hollows. Because Temp-Hollows exist, the number of actual Hollows is very little

which is why I speculate they are 2%, despite media outlets making it seem like everyone suddenly

has severe mental health issues, even though most do not. I remember once hearing a statistic

saying that about a ⅓ of young adults experience depression. Not only does “young adult” lack

specificity but that means that ⅔ of people, the majority, do not experience depression and are

mentally okay. Mental health issues are in this weird place where they are either overexaggerated

(usually by the west) or downplayed (usually by the east), and for some reason this gets on my

nerves, though I can’t pinpoint exactly why. Maybe it’s because this phenomena results in people

who really do need help not getting what they need. Maybe it’s the fact that many people claim

“everybody goes through it at some point” and then proceed to stigmatize mental health issues that

gets on my nerves, I don’t know.

Anyway, for a while I pursued motivation 1 and completely gave up on motivation 2. In my first

year of college, I did have an internal debate over whether or not the way I was approaching life

was the right one and that maybe I was being too cynical and uptight, but my views remain

unchanged. To gain a sense of accomplishment, my goal was to both establish something that would

be remembered forever and pay off all the debt I owe. Explaining the debt thing first is much

simpler. On average, it costs a bit over 250k USD to raise a kid in the US, and that is not including

college tuition. My parents might have spent more than this and there’s also the opportunity cost to

account for when it comes to the extra time spent raising me. Of course, this is rather difficult to

calculate so I settled for overshooting. Therefore, I promised my parents that within 6 years I would

earn and give them $20 million USD. This amount is the minimum required to buy a private island

and provide them with one or two maids to take care of them as they age comfortably. The 6 year

promise then turned into 8 years, then 10, and of course now it’s never going to happen considering

this is being read. Once I paid back my parents, I was planning on visiting a list of people who did

me more favors than I did them, as well as people I technically wronged, and pay them back

through a combination of monetary compensation and favors.

As for establishing something that will be remembered, I’ve noticed throughout my life so far that

I’m pretty forgettable as a person. Pretty much everyone I have met outside my immediate family

may vaguely remember my name and the fact that I was that one “smart” kid but that’s pretty much

it. I’ve found they eventually completely forget who I was as a person, by which I mean my

personality as well as any notable memories I made with them. While having a good memory has

done me massive favors in terms of academic success, I have encountered several instances where I

remember something with such detail that others usually find it weird or even creepy. Granted, I

have encountered individuals who are able to remember certain moments we spent time together

but usually not to the same specificity. There is no point in remembering something if no one else

remembers it too, and the moment other’s memories of us fade is when we truly die.

Embarrassingly enough, there was a time where I had a hard time reconciling this fact and

contained a lot of self pity. This train of thought was what led me to almost go through with

s**c*d* the first two times. After the second time, I finally reconciled this part of myself, stopped

with the self pity, and decided to stop blaming others and accept that most of the previously

perceived misfortune in my life was entirely my own doing. Even if I wanted to be remembered as

a person, who knows if I am the type of person who deserves to be anyway. I may not ever be

remembered as a person but I strived to at least have whatever work I accomplish to live on forever.

I used to phrase this to my family as “accomplishing something noteworthy”. There was a time

when I didn’t really care for how I went about accomplishing something noteworthy.

Then right after the spring semester of my freshman year at Brown, I finally came up with a

concrete method that would establish something to be remembered which aligned with my

academic interests, while simultaneously paying off all the debt I owe. This entailed establishing a

company that I would call NanoFront (short for Nanotechnology Frontier) that would start out

disrupting the semiconductor industry. NanoFront would initially focus on both the design and

fabrication of novel AI hardware utilizing organic or biological materials in a combination of

solution based and traditional fab processes for drastically high throughput. Then the company

would utilize the profits to expand into developing biomedical technologies, catalyst development,

and bioremediation. When expanding into the bioremediation industry, it would be time to establish

a team that keeps track of waste generated by company operations and bioengineer bacterial strains

that either sequester waste or convert waste into products that can be used by production teams.

When the company stabilized, as CEO I would expand already existing research and development

teams and eventually establish a research institute. The NanoFront research institute would be

divided in half into engineering or application based research and hard science or foundational

research, in many fields of study. I would impose a policy that any team who manages to develop a

product would have the right to start their own separate company with NanoFront as a business

partner in a 50/50 or a 51/49 shareholding agreement depending on their product. Ideally this would

result in many subsidiaries forming and drive a greater influx of talented labor to NanoFront. The

moment I had a comfortable income and saved enough money, I would have paid off the debt I

owed and from then on only take enough income for daily necessities. I would dedicate the rest of

my life solely to the NanoFront and its employees. Ideally, I would live in the company building

and establish my own tiny room with a bed, desk, and closet. I would own a motorcycle and my one

indulgence would be trying to spend as little as possible to design and manufacture a motorcycle

from a novel organic-inorganic composite I synthesize myself in what little spare time I would have

(over the course of many years). There would be small pseudo-dorms established for anyone who

wants to stay overnight at the company building for any reason. Actually, I take back what I said

about just one indulgence, I would also buy a Nintendo switch. In the NanoFront headquarters there

would be a communal kitchen where I would store food and make my own meals, communal

showers and clothes washers/dryers, as well as a small gym where I could exercise. US National

labs like Argonne already do this by having apartments next to facilities, though I haven’t looked

into companies that may do the same. I would then ensure that the heads of each research team and

production team are outstanding people with squeaky clean records and admirable personalities i.e.

true role models.

A quick aside, I believe part of the reason why our society has encountered a slew of global

problems upon entering the 21st century is the glaring lack of true role models with enough media

coverage. We live in an age where all the wrong things are emphasized, supported, and perpetuated

by famous figures and world “leaders”, and then put on a pedestal by the media. The general public

sees this and then mindlessly follows accordingly. We live in an age where adults throw around

excuses like “well no one is perfect” to justify and normalize harmful behavior. Obviously we all

have our flaws but that shouldn’t be an excuse to not try at all and I’m sure there are ideal people

out there that could serve as true role models and promote positive behaviors, but they just do not

get the same kind of media coverage. I first took notice of this in 2016 due to various global events

and cultural phenomena that occurred that year, which is why I would sometimes remark to my

parents that 2016 was “the death of consistency” (I would also sometimes remark to my brother that

it was “the death of consistent entertainment in the west” when talking about the entertainment

industry). Of course, my parents thought I was full of cr*p the one time I mentioned the role model

thing to them when I was in the ninth grade, and rightfully so since nothing about this view can be

supported or refuted by statistical evidence. The role model idea also wasn’t exactly something I

could talk about with other people without sounding like a freak. I would later mention this whole

notion of how the world needs true role models with widespread media coverage to my family

during winter break in my college years, and my family would jokingly remark that maybe I could

be that role model. However, given how forgettable I am as a person, as well as my unlikable

personality (or lack thereof), I know for a fact that I would be a terrible role model. Once the leads

of each research team and production team are satisfactory, I would create a special media team that

highlights their everyday lives and work to promote scientific research and innovation as well as

provide something for people to look forward to through role models they can follow. I would

divert media attention away from myself in order to put the NanoFront role models on pedestals and

this would serve to bring about more long term societal change.

Simultaneously, I would create a separate company website (that is completely free to access by

anyone in the general public) where those in the foundational research teams (and some of the

application teams) publish their work on. The format of their work would be a complete departure

from how scientific literature is currently formatted and written. Academia is at a weird stage where

it seems as if we are simultaneously making rapid progress and having a stall in expanding

foundational knowledge due to lack of reproducibility and researchers hyperfocusing on

sub-sub-fields to the point where only researchers within the same sub-field can actually understand

the work performed without spending a significant amount of time analyzing the works in question.

I believe in an age where we have an overabundance of literature, we need ways of scientific

communication that are more effective for both the scientific community and the general public.

Methods/experimental sections on research web pages will be cook book style bullet point lists so

nothing in the process is hidden and key words throughout the papers will be hyperlinked to a

company webpage dedicated to scientific education that defines said terms (researchers themselves

will update this web page). Additionally, during a quick two week review process, videos of

researchers performing experiments and collecting corresponding data will be submitted and given

hyperlinks in the methods sections of papers. I can only think of two papers that make use of video

evidence off the top of my head and methods sections in many papers today tend to either lack

specificity, or are misleading to the point where experiments are impossible to replicate, leading to a

pileup of junk literature. People from the general public would also be able to post questions and

comments directly onto research webpages. There would be a notification system for first authors

and major contributors whenever a question is posted and as per company policy they will be

required to respond by the end of each month at the latest, to promote scientific discussion and

make sure researchers remain academically competent. Of course, this method of communication

would need to be monitored but I believe it shouldn’t be too difficult. There is contact info in

current literature already but I’m pretty sure only researchers in the same sub-sub field bother to

reach out, since contact info is usually hidden next to the acknowledgments section and/or you need

an ORCID account.

The next aspect about NanoFront established would have been very radical. Once the company is

doing well enough, I would establish a policy that allowed any employee at the company, whether

they’re a janitor, admin staff, IT specialist, social media team member, etc., the opportunity to work

as a part time researcher and pursue their own interests or ideas in STEM at any time they like

during their employment, with full access to all facilities. They would have the option of switching

off between their original job and their research for different chunks of the year, as well as also

doing both their original job and research at the same time. At any time during the year, employees

would submit initial proposals in written or typed form that can be of any length, ranging from one

sentence to more than 10 pages. The research team heads will all be required to get together at the

end of every week to review any proposals and make comments, recommendations, or revisions

that will be immediately sent back to those who submitted proposals. Regardless of scientific

literacy, every one who submits a proposal will then have the option of presenting their idea or

interest in any format they want (powerpoint, live demonstration, drawing and writing on a

chalkboard, etc.) to a small audience which would include relevant research team heads, researchers

with similar interests, and myself. There would be an established team that would be dedicated to

helping organize this whole process so it runs in a smooth and timely manner. Presentations will be

recorded and if presenters give their consent, the social media team will post these presentations

online a few weeks after. Anyone in the company would be welcome to attend these presentations

and participate in the Q&A. At the end of their presentations, potential researchers will be

immediately provided right then and there by myself and the researchers possible options they have

for pursuing their idea and interests and they will have two weeks to make their decision. Training

sessions on specific lab equipment or instrumentation will be done regularly and there will always

be a dedicated researcher available for help during working hours. NanoFront was my grand vision.

Once the company succeeded, I planned on training successor candidates I handpick among the

NanoFront employees in secret, such that even the successor candidates wouldn’t be aware they are

being trained to be the next CEO, to prevent any weird company politics from happening. Then

after transitioning power, I would retire quietly and choose to either pursue the motorcycle

indulgence thing or find a nice, quiet place to k*ll myself. It would depend on various factors and

whether or not I would be able to consider myself an Effector who is capable of realizing

motivation 2 i.e. social satisfaction, or a Hollow.

However, after some internal debate, I have determined that it is impossible for me to establish

NanoFront. In order to initially fabricate prototypes for my hidden idea, I would need to join the

world’s most advanced nanotechnology research institutes at places such as ETH Zurich, NUS,

Nanyang Tech, etc. Places such as these have both advanced facilities and competent people with

true interdisciplinary knowledge. The reason why I didn’t mention any US facilities is because they

are for the most part missing the latter. However, the probability of me being authorized to truly

pursue my own research ideas at these places in a timely manner (i.e. within 5-10 years) is

incredibly small so I’m kinda stuck in a Catch 22, and I’ve read Heller’s satirical novel so I know

what I’m talking about when I throw around that term. Even in the tiny chance I do manage to

fabricate a device, garner financial support from investors, and manage to break into industry, I

would almost immediately be swallowed up by some m*r*n like Elon Musk or the US government.

I have decided to leave behind a document with some of my research ideas which also contains

hints for a hidden idea that I’ve already mentioned. I may be a legal adult at the age of 20, almost

turning 21, but I still consider myself as a kid since I am still highly dependent on my parents

financial support, so there’s always the possibility that I am just full of cr*p and you could take this

whole spiel with a grain of salt.

I have determined all other methods that utilize my skill set attempting to earn more than $20

million USD on time to repay my debt, or gain a sense of accomplishment, will be fruitless.

Therefore, I can't find it in myself to continue living. I have disposed of all direct work on the

hidden idea and hidden some of my online activity, albeit through some embarrassing methods with

their assistance. A quick aside, I never specified anything about the software or specific AI training

methods for any of the hardware I discuss. This is intentional. I actually came across a former

computer science professor when I was eating breakfast and was accidentally ranting about aspects

of memristors to some of the other folks at the restaurant, and he asked some pretty good questions

that made me bite my tongue to prevent myself from revealing anything. I think I did a pretty good

job at playing dumb and pretending like I knew absolutely nothing about neural networks from the

software side of things, and acting like I was just an enthusiast instead. At one point I considered

taking an extra precaution by giving away my computer to a homeless person and I subtly tested

them to see if they were ideal for the task. But then the homeless person gave me their tragic

backstory and this guilt tripped me into not going through with it. Besides, I have already taken

more than enough precautions and I wouldn’t want to entangle the homeless person with them for

no reason. I initially planned on going through with s**c*d* over spring break but various factors

have delayed this. I wish my roommate told me he would be leaving the dorm sooner. Then I would

have bought a rope when I still had access to a friend with a car back in fall semester. No idea why

he left. Maybe it was because of the one time I accidentally opened a container of expired food

which stunk up the room for a week. Then again, he went through the trouble of leaving behind a

message saying he had personal reasons that had nothing to do with me so that’s probably not it. I

think I have been subconsciously delaying the inevitable due to some sort of innate, biological

desire to live. With the precautions I took, my deadline to k*ll myself may be May 20th but I had 4

months to do so ahead of time. S**c*d*, at the end of the day, is a completely irrational decision so

I am able to recognize that there is probably something wrong with me, especially considering that

my state of mind has now interfered with my ability to go about daily activities (I’ve gotten pretty

out of shape and my sleep schedule is wacked up). For example, about a month ago I meant to buy

a two pack of paper towels, which I use to blow my nose (allergies cause my nose to stuff up in the

mornings and evenings) and wipe away food stains, but instead I bought the pack of 6 toilet paper

rolls right next to it. I didn’t feel like bothering to return it and I found that toilet paper is fine as a

substitute, however, it tends to be quite wasteful and sometimes you leave behind toilet paper fluff

when wiping surfaces. That was a super random aside.

Anyway, you might be wondering at this point why I never reached out for help if I’m aware there

is something wrong. I have various reasons. Mental health services cost a considerable amount of

money, I’m on my parent’s health insurance so they would probably immediately find out, it would

be a massive stain on my career, and I don’t think it would be in these services’ best interest to help

someone who is a lost cause and they should probably stick with people who have typical cases of

s**c*d*. This line of reasoning leaves two things I should probably address. First, I know there are

those who argue that with today’s awareness of mental health issues, especially in the west, that

having mental health problems will not ruin your career. I watched this one white house meeting on

mental health a few weeks ago (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dVkyhLXgzho) where this one

lady argues this point and implies her personal experience is an example of not having your career

ruined due to telling people about your mental health issues. However, when I looked into her

career, I found out she actually currently works for mental health services, which is literally the one

career option where they probably won’t judge your mental condition harshly. Honestly, I thought

the whole meeting was dumb. Especially the way each speaker is applauded upon listing their

accolades like it’s some kind of fun event, which makes the whole thing feel disingenuous, and

considering they brought in random wealthy celebrities and politicians instead of any leading

psychologists, licensed therapists, or sociologists who would probably have a better perspective. I

guess you could appreciate the effort and if the meeting did help anyone struggling, then good for

them I suppose. Second, you might be wondering what I mean by “typical case” of s**c*d*. There

are some common causes, aside from pre-existing mental health problems or mental disorders, that

result in the vast majority of s**c*d*s and it is glaringly apparent that I don’t fit any of them:

Cause 1: Drug or alcohol addiction. Obviously this isn’t really intentional and as someone with a bit

of biochemistry background, I have an extremely hard stance against the consumption of toxic

substances. Just ask my first roommate.

Cause 2: A tragic backstory i.e. some kind of trauma or traumatic event, abuse, bullying, financial

struggle, broken household, etc. I have been raised in a pretty typical American suburban fashion by

two parents who both make 6 figure salaries in a middle/upper-middle class environment with no

apparent struggles and was never really bullied in school. Considering how spoiled I was, this

scenario doesn’t check out.

Cause 3: A family history of depression and mental health issues. You can check with my parents

and they will be able to confirm that this isn’t the case.

Cause 4: Brain injury. I don’t mean to brag but I have never once broken a bone in my body, and

my skull and brain are perfectly intact so this is also ruled out.

Cause 5: Failed romantic endeavors or breakups. This is probably going to sound extremely

offensive and disrespectful to some people but I personally think this reason is pretty stupid, though

it does happen among young people like me apparently. Then again, I could be saying this because

of my overall lack of romantic/sexual endeavors. I’m not exactly someone who could be a reference

point for this topic. I should probably specify in case my parents ever wonder, it’s hard to tell if I

was straight or aro/ace because I definitely felt attraction to feminine fictional characters, but in real

life there was maybe one person of the opposite sex I kind of “had a crush on” during the very end

of freshman year and very beginning of sophomore year of high school. I remember I told some

people about it so I could seem more relatable and use it as a conversation starter. I thought she was

really polite and she was fairly intelligent and a good listener, however, politeness doesn’t equal

kindness, and I think she confused the two to put herself on a pedestal for the sake of college apps,

so my feelings ended super quickly. Anyway, I obviously don’t fit under this case either.

Even if I did get help, I’d be screwed. Since I have pretty much withdrawn from school for the past

6-7 months, I’ll probably have to drop out and would probably be disowned by my parents (I

wouldn’t blame though). And honestly, in the chance I’m not disowned, I’d probably be way too

ashamed to continue mooching off of them. I would then be forced to work a typical 9-5 cubicle

job, living in an apartment with the same daily routine, unable to repay the debt I owe or gain a

sense of accomplishment.

Finally, I should probably quickly specify what I meant by putting up a personality mask in the

beginning. Normally, I always cycle between happy, bored, and annoyed, and do my best to

suppress any sort of sadness, anger, or cynicism. I realized this from a pretty early age and I have

done a pretty consistent job of keeping this mask up, though I have slipped up on a few occasions.

If I don’t do this everyone thinks there is something wrong with me, and it makes me feel like I’m

some kind of freak, especially Normies. The media and plenty of Normies assert that this way of

managing emotions is unhealthy, however, regardless of health, it doesn’t stop them from getting

disturbed when someone shows negative emotions. If I’m ever unsure of how to act in a social

situation, I make sure to do what I call the half-laugh (going “a-heh”) on regular intervals, which is

something I find many Normies do as well. This worked most of the time and eventually became a

habit since I had to do it so much. There were some instances where it made me come across the

wrong way, usually among non-Normie Normas and Effectors or if someone was talking about

delicate subject matter. Who knows, according to society’s standards I’m pretty much a selfish,

super cynical, a-hole so maybe I am a freak. That is the real me. I feel like there is some part that I

am missing that other people seem to have. I don’t know if it’s a strong sense of social awareness,

or charisma, or what, but I think it’s the reason why I’m so forgettable as a person. Hence why I

consider myself defective.

I should discuss what I would like to happen to my body once I k*ll myself. I would prefer my

body be donated to medicine so I could at least do something useful in the end. Unfortunately, I’m

pretty sure this won’t happen due to lack of anatomical preservation and hygiene issues as a result

of the blunt trauma and open wounds my head will have upon the fall. If I thought my body could

be donated I would have put this part of my message at the very beginning. My next preference

would be to have my body thrown in the garbage dump and allowed to decompose in a landfill.

This will not cost anything and is rather fitting for someone like me. Unfortunately, I think this

might be illegal. The three for-sure legal ways to take care of a dead body are donation to medicine,

cremation, and burial. After looking into things, I found out burial tends to cost more and there are

some places that allow for almost free cremations, so I ask that I be cremated with no services

involved in order to minimize cost. My only concern is there might be a transportation fee for the

body which is another reason why it would have been great if I was able to donate to medicine,

since they pay for transportation. Of course, I’m pretty sure this probably doesn’t count as a

holographic will since I am probably not considered as someone with a “stable mind”, so there is

always the chance my parents will feel pressured to hold some kind of funeral service out of social

obligation.

To my parents, I ask that you take the cheapest possible route to dispose of my body. I’m not

exactly worth that much. You might feel sad for a bit but the quicker you deal with it, the easier it

will be to move on with your lives. If Raghu shapes up, then he will be able to earn plenty of money

for you guys to retire in luxury and he owes me since he wouldn’t have made it this far in his

education without my help, so I’m saying again, get a job you bum and whether you end up

pursuing medicine or something else in the end, take it seriously. Unlike me you have the social

skills to properly make genuine connections and build a network, and you also have some untapped

potential which you should use to start building an actual skill set, which you are thoroughly

lacking right now. I should also finally apologize to my parents again. I never told you this but there

was a short period of time, from the beginning of my sophomore year of high school to midway

during my senior year, when I secretly hated you. Of course, I never really went through the whole

stereotypical teenage rebellious attitude thingamabob that most people go through (though would be

too embarrassed to admit out loud) so you may be confused. It started when I was forced to confess

about how I almost went through with committing s**c*d* on my 14th birthday. I remember dad,

you kept asking me if maybe you should start acting like white parents, and mom, you mentioned

that you didn’t waste 13 to 14 years of your life for me to off myself. Of course, I highly doubt you

remember something so trivial. This convinced me of the idea that you guys didn’t genuinely care

about me and just saw me as a tool to fulfill your desire to have a doctor in the family. But I realized

that I was just using this idea as an excuse to pour hidden blame onto you for the inconveniences I

experience, despite it all being self-inflicted. Regardless of whether you genuinely care about me or

not, I apologize for secretly hating you during that time and you did more than enough to provide

me with the resources a kid would need to succeed in life. Most of what you have done is rational.

You just had the misfortune of having to put up with a defective kid. The reason why I say “most”

is because when Raghu got accepted into Johns Hopkins, you began to start displaying behaviors

that would normally be associated with stereotypical white American parents, and continued to do

so. I considered this rather strange since I thought you despised this style of behavior but you

denied it whenever I brought it up.

At this point you might be wondering how I might be feeling, and to be honest, I’m not entirely

sure. I’m not sure if I can call it sadness. Some may argue it’s loneliness due to me not being able to

fulfill a sense of social satisfaction, however, despite having “friends” and family I have felt alone

for a considerable portion of my life to the point where it’s kinda just another fact of life now,

nothing to really get worked up over. If I had to guess, I think I just feel really ashamed that I lived

the life of a massive hypocrite and wasn’t able to really accomplish anything worth noting. Oddly

enough, I also feel ashamed things are ending this way because of all the small interactions I’ve had

with seemingly random people over the course of the past year. Obviously, I’ve thought about some

of my friends and family, but oddly enough, the people I’m most ashamed to leave behind this way

are the guys at the breakfast restaurant I go to, the college student who works at the Middle Eastern

restaurant I would get dinner at sometimes that made small talk with me when I ordered, the janitor

who enthusiastically greeted me whenever I worked late at night in the engineering building during

fall semester, the omelet station guy at the Ratty cafeteria who prepared some pretty solid

onion-tomato-cheese omelets every time I had breakfast there, the girl doing an independent

concentration who made small talk with me when I was throwing some clothes in the dryer, and the

homeless person I almost gave my computer away to. However, I know deep down that all of these

people will forget about me, just like those of you reading this note. While I mentioned the thing

about the media above, I’m pretty sure that the only people who will actually bother reading this are

my immediate family members and maybe the police. This note isn’t a priority unlike my research

idea document though. Granted, I’m pretty sure maybe only like 5 or 6 people will read the research

doc though but I might as well try to get it out there.

I consider myself an atheist, but there are two things humans will probably never be able to truly

explain due to the limitations of what we can observe. How the universe began (i.e you can always

ask “but what happened before that” over and over again and reach no end) and what happens after

death. I remember once hearing about one study that claimed the notion that the human brain goes

through some sort of unique activity during the process of death but you can’t really explain what

happens after that. I’m not a physiologist so this notion could also be wrong for all I know.

Therefore, I have the unscientific belief that one of four routes happens post-death:

1. Nothing: Pretty much nothing happens. You just sort of poof out of existence. This case is

pretty boring for discussion though which is why not many people bring it up.

2. Dream State: You end up eternally dreaming.

3. Reincarnation. You end up reincarnating as another living thing. It could be as another

human, a blade of grass, a housefly, a leatherback sea turtle, any living creature. There may

be no guarantee you reincarnate into a living thing that is born at the same time you die.

Maybe you reincarnate as a living organism from prehistoric times like some eurypterid, or

a dinosaur, or some random merchant in an ancient civilization. Maybe you reincarnate as a

living organism well into the future. The possibilities are endless with this route.

4. Judgment: Pretty much every major religion enforces the idea that some sort of god or

capital-g God judges whether you should experience eternal rewards in heaven or eternal

punishment in the underworld.

I don’t really have too much to say about the first three routes. If Judgment is the route I take, then

I’ll do my best to beat up whatever god or capital-g God is waiting before I’m inevitably sent to my

eternal punishment. I think that just wraps up everything I wanted to say.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

- From an unremarkable human